On How I Learned I Had Autism

 This post is part of a series of stories leading up to my next book 'The Journey Home'. 

I stared at the computer screen. I almost could not believe what I was reading. There, in the midst of the worst time of my life, the whole truth about my life was laid bare. It was in that moment I was forced to admit that I had autism. 

What led to this exact moment? It was a tortuous time in my life when I was out by myself, in the midst of the coldest winter of my life when I was struggling mightily to find purpose in anything at all. I went on one of my patented late night Internet trawls and found an answer to a mystery that had pervaded my entire life: why did I never feel like I belonged?

In 2013, I was in a bad relationship that was putting tremendous strain on my connection with my family. In June of that year, I abruptly told my parents I was moving out in less than a week to live on my then girlfriend's parents' property. My aunt Dana took me out to lunch and tried to make me realize what I was doing to my family by continuing that relationship. 

I don't remember any of that conversation except for one thing: "I wouldn't be surprised if you were on the spectrum."

Dana Olsen holds a Master's in Special Education and works as a teacher working with autistic children. She helped my mother in watching my siblings and I as we grew up as our mother worked her hardest to support us as a single parent. She would have recognized patterns and behaviors from her students that mirrored things I had done in years and decades past. 

I didn't believe her. 

I moved out, broke off that relationship two months later, then spent a long year trying to make it work by myself as a student at the University of Kansas at a dead end job that consumed more of my time than it ought to have, failed a class I shouldn't have, and entered a very dark place in my life. 

In February of 2014, I was going through the motions of a History degree and planning my return back home. Moving out had been a catastrophe, I was single at a time I had grown up thinking I'd be ready to get married, feeling more ashamed of myself than I ever had before, and trying to make sense of it all. Nothing I had planned for myself had come to fruition. So what was left?

I ended up on Wikipedia. I looked up "Autism" on there. In the past, I was aware autism existed but did not have an inkling what was meant by it. For me it was an idle curiosity that I did not know anything about and could not be bothered to learn more. Maybe that idle curiosity was a sign because as I read that page, I was forced into a corner. The behaviors described on that page were the exact same kind of behaviors I had engaged in my entire life. 

The amount of shame I had felt up that point was nothing compared to the horror I felt in that moment. I had always spent my life trying to fit in and could never quite seem to make it work. One particular incident will be reflected on in another post. In that moment, however, I was forced to admit that I was different than those around me and it was something that had been out of my control my entire life. Maybe in happier times I might have dealt with it better. In that moment though, it nearly crushed me.

It took me some time to come to terms with this diagnosis. In the year following my return to Wichita, I got an official diagnosis and worked through a lot of issues related to having autism with a therapist for several months. Still, I did not publicly admit I had autism for a full 14 months after I found out I had it. 

In the seven years since I admitted publicly I have autism, I have not been shy about it. If it comes up, I'll admit to it. After all, even years after the fact there are still things I say and do that would come across as strange to others. But as I'm on the doorstep of turning 30, I find myself not caring as much as I used to about conforming my behavior to fit in better, despite it being much easier to do so now than as I was growing up. 

This story is reflected in my book, The Journey Home. Over the next few weeks before it releases, I'll continuing sharing anecdotes and experiences of my life that have been shaped by having autism.