If you have ever listened to the soundtrack for the Fellowship of the Ring, there is a song that plays after Enya's "May it Be". The song is entitled, "In Dreams." The song speaks of separation, but in dreams there would be no distance and "We would be together." The title of this post is a lyric from the song.
Ah, I know that feeling. I have not yet had a successful relationship to this day and the only real one that I have had was disastrous and caused much grief. The hurts from that time are still being felt and I feel guilty for what I did during that span. However, looking on that outcome almost pushed me to despair; I was almost 21 before I finally got into that relationship and now I am 22 and that one experience is all I have to show for my life.
I spent my whole childhood thinking that I would graduate college next month and get married this Summer. My upbringing has something to do with that; I vividly remember my aunt getting married at the age of 20. I have heard many people say that 22 is too young, to wait, but honestly, the idea of waiting terrifies me. In the nights before I turned 22 last week, I had significant trouble sleeping, the first extended period of insomnia in my life. I am terrified of the idea that I will get into my mid-twenties, upper-twenties, thirties, and still possibly be alone. I didn't want that. I don't want that. And yet what can I do about it?
I am inhibited by a condition that I will not mention here. It has, however, affected my life severely in that I have problems communicating to others. I feel like my mind is correct, but what comes out of my mouth is something entirely different. It has, again, caused much grief. Lately I have wondered if it will inhibit any future relationship that I may have, if one comes at all.
But I have shared these concerns before. These aren't new. What brought them to my mind this night was because of a dream that I had last night. I don't often have good dreams, but I don't have nightmares either, mostly they are just odd. When I do have vivid dreams though, they are either what I desire...or tornado nightmares. Last night was a very good dream.
In the dream, someone I know who has spurned me in the past did say yes. In the dream, I did what I try to do best; be her best friend. I held her tight and told her that she was beautiful, that to never be afraid, because I was there and it was going to be alright. The dream was beautiful and I rued the moment I woke from it. I laid there for several minutes just wishing that it could be true.
You see, this is precisely the way I have always wanted to treat a woman. The problem is, I am so unsure of myself that am never actually like that unless I can manage to let my guard down and completely trust that that person will not turn me down and leave me out in the cold. I would have made myself vulnerable for nothing. My problem is that I need to absolutely make sure that the girl would be okay with letting me be that gentle soul that I so desire to show. To use an Internet phrase, I want to be sure that I have not been friend-zoned.
But I am so cautious that I always do get friend-zoned. I am trying to change that, but for reasons I listed above it is difficult for me to change that. In the end, this is what I would want to say to that girl:
I know that I have not been that easy to get along with, but that was never my intent to drive you away. I have always been struck by your beauty and have thought longingly of your kindness and your smile and gentle way that you laugh. When you smile at me, my heart skips a beat and when you laugh, it take my breath away. You do not know, nor can I accurately describe the joy I get to see you happy. It pains me to see you upset and I would try everything to erase those tears and bring that smile again. I would see your pain ended and the Sun to shine on you and to never see you in despair.
I love you my dear, sweet, beautiful girl. You take me for what I am, flaws and all. You bring me peace where there had once been doubt; courage where there had once been fear. You ease the storm and bring out the better part of me. You are perfect and I cannot stop loving you, nor would I suffer to see you go.
It pains me that we are apart, that I cannot accurately describe how I feel due to my imperfections. I wish it could have been better than that, there are many things I wish I could go back and change what I have done, for I know better now. I wish much was different. It pains me to think of how much I have failed, how I have fallen, how I have driven you away. I regret it sincerely.
I just hope that one day you will have me. I hope it is one day soon.
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